camping – Thinking Over 30

God, it feels good to be back in London.

The pubs, the boys, the tube. The perfect place for a holiday escape.

Indeed, I made a few escapes last year. From Mexico to the Amazon to Brunswick, Georgia…2022 had me discovering life in weird and wonderful ways.

And, as I turned 37 in the middle of the Peruvian jungle, I reflected on how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown.

Boundaries, breakups and medicinal branches…here’s a look back on how 2022 helped this human thrive.

My Work

I kicked off the year with the worst job of my life.

Now, I had no intention of ever going back into a middle school classroom. Ten years of teaching hundreds of students, I had put in my time. Done my due diligence. Survived the insanity. But, after months of contemplation during my hiatus in Peru, I had decided to return to Miami to buy an apartment and finally create a real home base for myself. But this meant getting a job asap so the bank would give me a mortgage loan.

So, I went back to the battle ground. This time, at an alternative school in a low-income, high-crime neighborhood in North Miami.

Dr. H., with all her post-Peru good vibes only namaste energy, was met with fist-fights and curse-outs. Desk-flipping and book-throwing. It wasn’t long before I was experiencing full-blown panic attacks as I ran out of the classroom crying on a daily basis. This was trauma-informed teaching at the highest level, and I was ill-equipped.

I took many mental health days, and set boundaries so I could crawl back and show up. I was determined not to give up on myself or my students (and turns out, all I had to do was a few TikTok dances to completely gain the trust and admiration of my students…bam!). Still, it was the hardest 6 months of my teaching career.

Sadly, the real estate market was just as traumatic, and, after a handful of rejected offers, I tapped out of the property hunger games.

So, yeah. The spring was chaos.

Then the summer saw a classic Holly attempt at giving love a chance and reconnecting with an old Mexican flame only to quickly extinguish the fire and head back to Miami where the fall had so much more in store for me.

I started my first university job as an adjunct professor (absolutely YES to college students!) and I spent the rest of my time chipping away at building a nonprofit idea I have had for many years. And, I actually did it. Like, you can go donate RIGHT HERE to help fund international learning trips for deserving students and be a flagship donor for a worthy program!

So, yeah. My work is back on track. All I had to do was break down with my students, break up with my boyfriend and break out of my insecurities to create the purpose-driven career of my dreams. It’s a work in progress. But I’m progressing.

My Love Life

For a free spirit like me, being single is second nature.

My obsession with newness has led to a collection of love stories fit for a novel. But not for forever.

I follow the fleeting and avoid the available. I’m thrilled by the chase and terrified by tradition. Safe is scary. Risky is sexy. I am a stereotypical sagittarius, after all.

The 2021-2022 romantic season was dominated by two such ephemeral affairs. 2 men, 2 years, 2 countries and 2 chapters in my Book of Love. No happily ever after. But I still got my thrill.

From the outside, it may appear that I’ve given up on settling down. But, actually, I’m redefining what settling down means for me. Maybe I continue to have beautiful relationships all around the world that break me open and bring me closer to myself. Or, maybe I have a love child and co-parent with a partner as we overland across Africa. Or, perhaps, my love life will take an unexpected turn for the traditional with a marriage and mortgage and managing mommy duties.

(I’ve said the word mortgage twice in one post…what’s happening?)

Either way, I’m here for it. Open. Excited. Up for the adventure. Not getting trapped in the worry of age or expectations or insecurities (I mean I have my moments). Trusting the process. Savoring the moment. Leading with love. Loving myself. Starting to truly believe in what I deserve. All the things.

Actually, I have a lot more to say on this subject. My love life deserves its own juicy, gritty, examined post. Stay tuned.

My Awakening

People say you don’t find Mama Aya…she finds you.

But, I decided to go to her house in the Amazon and kindly knock on her door. You know, to make it easier for her to find me.

And, find me she did.

Now, sitting in a sacred ceremony, sipping on ancient plant medicine, and traveling through time and space is not an easy experience to explain. There were divine messages in many forms, a vibrational energy connecting everything, and my inner child narrating it all. It was a mind, body, and soul reset on the deepest level. Indeed, what happened to me in the jungle was the most transformative experience I’ve ever had the privilege to be a part of.

Mama Aya, The Truth, The Source, The Light, God…whatever you call her, honey, she will have you leaving a believer!

But, I’ll leave the details sacred. And, instead, leave you with this post-ceremony pic that perfectly captured the mystic vibe…

My Year Ahead

So, 2023. Back in Miami, doing Miami things. Teaching, fundraising, dating, nesting, traveling, day-dreaming, scheming, meditating, saving, savoring, sulking, integrating, growing, crying, connecting, creating, contemplating, dancing, stretching, writing, being and doing….the best I can.

And sometimes even thriving.

As the world keeps turning…

Gnawing on some beef jerky, within grabbing distance of my bear spray, I wondered if choosing Campsite 13 would prove to be unlucky.

Forest Ranger Jen, with all her tree-hugging enthusiasm, assured me that I was actually very lucky to have even nabbed a campsite, and that 13 was particularly lovely given its proximity to the creek. She also told me to be “bear safe.”

I hoped that just meant spray.

This camping trip to North Cascades National Park would be a solo one. I couldn’t convince any of the other interns to join me, even after commandeering a car and gear, so, I set out on my own.

After all, it was summer in Washington State, and I was determined to soak in all the Pacific Northwest glory I could get my Floridian hands on.

I had moved to Seattle for a dream internship at the Bill and ~~Holly~~ Melinda Gates Foundation.

After kicking a few doors down to get there, I had finally reached the mecca of all work places.

State-of-the-art facilities, free snacks and catered lunches (the “Foundation 15” is a delightful souvenir I got to take home), flexible work hours (“We trust you’ll do good work, Holly, so do it on your own terms”) and anything else you could possibly need to facilitate an optimal work-life balance.

Oh yeah, and then there was Lumber James, the gorgeous giant on the strategy team whom I stalked every day during lunch in the atrium (and whom I had to ultimately avoid after he ghosted me on Bumble. I guess he didn’t want to get caught fraternizing with an intern. Or, maybe it was my strong opener about stalking him in the atrium. Nevermind.).

Speaking of Bumble…

After a string of good fortune back in Miami, I was ready to hit the Seattle dating scene hard.

I envisioned a suitor who would enjoy all the splendors of a Seattle summer with me. And, bonus! I would only be there for 3 months. No strings attached. Every dude’s dream.

So, I started swiping right.

The flannel! The height! The educational backgrounds! These Washington boys had me in burley lumberjack/nerdy tech guy heaven!

And, that’s how I met Matt.

As we sipped our beers on my spectacular roof deck (thank you, Bill and Melinda), I learned that Matt, a boyishly handsome Seattleite, had been the lead singer of a band for many years and was making the excruciating transition into the corporate world as an Amazon intern.

A smart, sensitive, local boy who made me laugh and was nice to look at? Jackpot.

But, as our hangouts became harder to orchestrate, and our time together seemed vaguely disconnected, it was clear there were differences in time and emotional availability.

In true Holly fashion, I said YES! I showed up. I was keen and made concessions. (It also didn’t help that I was becoming a fangirl of Matt’s band, and, therefore, let a lot of things slide). Matt, on the other hand, was navigating a major identity crisis and didn’t have much bandwidth for a summer fling.

Although there were some bright spots (Live music! Log cabins! Laughs over libations!) my hope for an available affair did not exactly come to fruition.

At least, not until the end of my Seattle stint…

Meanwhile, back at the Foundation headquarters, I was navigating a whole new world of, well, everything.

After 7 years in my sheltered classroom, I was shell-shocked.

Those first few weeks were perplexing. Listening to my fellow interns drop their MBA jargon bombs – Upstream? Deep dives? Low-hanging fruit? – I struggled to keep up with the conversation. And, not to mention learning the Foundation lexicon and all the acronyms that come with it…PBD, SPO, BMGF (took me an embarrassing amount of time to get that one).

As a result, I kept my mouth shut. I absorbed. I processed. I did a lot of positive self-talk to shake the daily feeling of being a complete and utter imposter.

Like, seriously. What was I doing here?

I was surrounded by some of the world’s smartest people, commissioned to strategize on how to solve some of the world’s biggest problems.

…The biggest problem I’ve solved in recent history has been resetting the code on a lockbox. And, obviously, YouTube did most of the heavy lifting.

The ivy-league titles of the interns didn’t help either. Masters in global health at Harvard. PhD in biochemical engineering at Princeton. MBAs at Yale, Booth and Wharton. Aaaah!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my university. And, in Miami, I’m basically Einstein. But, this was next level stuff. Although I managed to get a seat at the same privileged table, I still felt like I had something to prove.

Luckily, my exceptional intern friends not only inspired me to think harder and be better, but they reminded me just how worthy I was to be there.

It turns out, being an educator for a decade has its place in high-level strategy meetings where high-stakes investments are being made to help serve the communities you’ve been working in your whole career. Aha! My value-add.

Speaking of feeling valuable…..

Enter New Rob.

I met New Rob (named such because Old Rob was my work husband whom I’d met New Rob through) a month before I left Seattle. He was an engineer between jobs, and had taken the summer off to explore the glories of Seattle and beyond. He hiked almost every day. He went out at night. He said YES! He was available. He included me in everything.

In one breath, New Rob said things to me that I’ve hardly heard in my decade of dating.

So, just as I was feeling defeated by my recent dating deficits, New Rob showed up and made me feel like a million bucks.

I looped in one last solo camping trip before I left Seattle.

Armed with my gear, I walked the .7 miles through enchanting Douglas-fir trees to get to the sacred Second Beach on the Olympic Peninsula.

For the next 24 hours, however, I was consumed by deep, melancholy thought. I blame it on the intense beauty of the rugged coast I was experiencing by myself.

(Just FYI…when I post wistful photos on Instagram, accompanied by folk songs that have the words “seaside” or “coastline” in the lyrics…know that I’m in emotional turmoil).

When I finally managed to break my contemplative spell, I brushed the sand off my feet and expressed my gratitude with a reflective prayer:

“Dear Universe, thank you for the following blessings…”

-Having the privilege and able body to experience the world’s most spectacular beauty

-Meeting inspiring people that make me better and show me my worth

-The view of Seattle from my roof deck

-Guys named Rob

-The Pacific Northwest

-My mom’s cross-country visit and our subsequent mother-daughter adventures

-Free lunch at the Foundation

-Not being eaten by a bear at Campsite 13

So, yeah. That’s it. My summer in Seattle.

A privileged job, amazing new friends, nature for days, and a few more life lessons learned.

And, as I ease my way back into Miami life, I am still dreaming of mountainous national parks, tall boys in plaid shirts, and coastlines that make you cry.

Seattle, you gorgeous Space Needle lady, I’ll see you again soon.

Category: camping

37 & Thriving

The Seattle Experience