In the days leading up to the WHO declaring COVID-19 a global pandemic, I experienced two unexpected traumas.
The first happened after some revelations from a recent relationship came to light; the other, a family matter. Both occurring consecutively and without warning. Both sending past traumas spiraling to the surface. And both giving a whole new meaning to self-quarantine.
In terms of personal crises, coronavirus didn’t even break the top ten.
Now, trauma is a strong word.
And, these occurrences didn’t exactly directly happen to me. Instead, they were the byproduct of the dysfunctional behavior of others.
Nevertheless, I’ve been caught in the crossfire and, with nowhere to run, I’ve been forced to face them head on with nothing more than a stack of self-help books and a weekly call to my therapist to shield me.
From atoning my own mistakes in order to forgive others, to digging deeper and uncovering root causes, to confronting pain I didn’t even know existed within me – this worldwide lockdown has been a heavy trip down self-discovery lane.
But, before I continue to regurgitate all the fun, new psychological theories I’ve been learning about, I want to shift gears to something lighter. Something that we’ve all been strongly encouraged to do during this crisis. Something that is easier said than done, but is the key to our survival.
It’s a little something called self-love.
If you asked my friends to describe me, they would probably use words like gregarious, upbeat, self-confident, annoyingly positive.
And, that would be mostly true.
But, those characteristics are also great distractors from the not-so-sprightly sides of my psyche like anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, so on and so forth.
These sides, I’d say, are persistent in many of us. Especially during these strange times as we dance with our demons. See? Even my writing is getting weird.
The challenge, then, is to get up, get dressed, and get out of your head long enough to show yourself some love.
And, for us single folks who currently have limited, intimate prospects, self-love is one of our only salvations.
For me, it’s dancing on my balcony, potentially in my underwear, to earn a smile from a passerby.
Or, cooking a new, delicious meal to share with my quarantine partner, Rebecca (thank you, Lord Jesus, for a friend to fight this “invisible enemy” with).
Or, indulging in a little retail therapy (whilst dreaming of the day the clothes actually arrive and I can parade them in an open, public space with lots of handsome men who will appreciate them as much as I do, thus leading to many and mighty intimate prospects to make up for lost time! Oh dear, I digress…).
Like, forgiving yourself for having 3 glasses of wine at lunch. Or, forgiving yourself for exchanging evening reading for Handmaid’s Tale binging (I am NOT sorry for that!). Or, simply forgiving yourself for feeling angry and shitty and anxious and hopeless and depressive and miserable, because…
We don’t have to be so fucking happy all the time!
And, we’re all going through an unprecedented global fucking crisis!
So, we’re all allowed to feel fucking upset!
Dear Dr. S, I think we’re making progress!
I know I’m writing this from a place of privilege, where I still have my job and a roof over my head and food on the table and a gratitude list that still exceeds my bill of grievances.
So, before I go off on a controversial tangent about how I feel a prolonged lockdown will no longer be for the greater good and, instead, will cause a devastating breakdown in many aspects of individual human life that will ultimately far outweigh the perceived loss we may be preventing by completely avoiding each other and losing the essence of what makes us human in the first place…
I will now stop.
And, take a deeeeep breath, inhaling positive thoughts and intentions. And, exhaling out anxiety, self-doubt and guilt…so I can continue to persevere through this pesky pandemic.
Good luck out there.
And, be kind to yourself.
…But, if you do get to love on someone else (like me, last night, with the boy I started seeing pre-quarantine who reemerged long enough for me to hug and kiss him longer and harder than usual…I know that’s what she said, but don’t kill the moment!)…do that, too.
Because, as it turns out, loving others is just as essential to our human nature as loving ourselves.
So, I hope the world opens up to more of that soon.
With a little less abundance of caution.
Thinking Over 30 