Sitting on my balcony, savoring the cool, Cuban breeze and the ¡Oye, coños! of the people in the plaza below, I’m curiously reflecting on how I ended up in Havana. 

And, I’m drinking lots of rum. 

Actually, there’s been a few curiosities that have presented themselves in 2020. And, as this blog goes, I feel compelled to contemplate these curiosities here so I can continue decoding life and all its puzzling glory. 

And, it’s cheaper than therapy.

So, here we go. Vamanos. 

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Curiosity #1 – Cuba

I flew to Havana to see about a boy. 

This in itself is a curiosity worth explaining. But, I’ll save it for another day. Let’s just say, this last minute Cuban rendezvous was 8 years in the making. And, although my trip might have caused a bit of a commotion, exploring Old Havana with an old friend was a new adventure worth taking.

Fresh off the plane, I found myself being driven to meet with the Cuban mafia. OK, that’s an exaggeration. But, shady business was immediately being conducted as my USD was being exchanged for CUC. And, me? Well, I was sipping my mojito and laughing with my new Cuban-American companion whom I had met on the short, 1-hour flight. He was treating me to lunch and rum and taxi rides. And, as it turns out, great exchange rates. 

When I finally arrived in Havana Vieja, I was almost 2 hours late to meet my handsome companion, M. He was waiting outside with a concerned look on his face. But as I jumped out of the taxi and greeted him with an enthusiastic hug (thank you, multiple mojitos), he seemed to lighten up. 

And, for the next three days we walked and talked and reveled in the vitality of Havana. The abuela on the balcony hanging her clothes and greeting her neighbors. The niños on the street playing a game of baseball with a wooden stick. The vibrant colors of the crumbling, colonial architecture. And, of course, the glorious old cars echoing Cuba’s glory days.

All of it felt alive in a way I’ve never experienced in other countries. But, at what cost?

I left Cuba curious about Communism and the sentiment of the Cuban people. But, I was grateful to have been let in to briefly experience our small, spicy neighbor to the South (before a pesky virus or a new government restriction shut that dream down!).

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Curiosity #2 – The Secluded Life of a PhD Student 

Dear God, where do I start?

This is my 5th year of my PhD program. And, although I knew it would be challenging to leave the comfort of my classroom to work for my university in order to fast track this degree to fruition, I could have never imagined the physical and emotional toll it would take. 

Let’s start with sitting. 

Most days, I sit for hours. After nearly 8 years of standing and dancing and doing backflips to keep my students engaged and entertained, this new, sedentary lifestyle has been a shock to my system. Is it a blessing to have the time and silence to read and write and work on my pending 200-page research paper? Absolutely! But, does my body now feel like that of an arthritic 80-year-old lady? Yes. Yes, it does. Honestly, how do you desk job people do it?!

And then there’s the unexpected emotional reaction I had to leaving the classroom. 

I now wake up every day (NOT at 5:30 am, glory be to God!) feeling this void that was once filled by the dependency of my students. Before, I was needed. I had a deep sense of purpose. I could give my time, energy and effort to the betterment of my kids. I got my maternal rocks off. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed to nurture, until no one needed my nurturing. 

(Which left me open to start a curious codependent relationship. Oops. See Curiosity #3).

Finally, my research. Oh, the bureaucracy and paperwork and deadlines! All of this – a mild form of torture. But, wait! I have been buried in books that have boosted my brain, I’ve already written half of my dissertation, and I’ve helped develop the first international student teaching program at my university. All of this – a dream come true. 

So, fine. I’ll take the lower back pain and lack of dependency if it means I can soon make my career great again. #PhD2020.

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Curiosity #3 – Friends with Benefits

Once upon a time, I would lecture my guy friends on the unfairness of carrying on a relationship that they knew had an expiration date, but was a good “filler” until the next thing came along. I could not wrap my head around knowingly investing time and energy into someone that wasn’t going to stick around. No sir. I’d never be someone’s filler!

And then I met L. 

Actually, it was my mom who first broke the ice. Turns out, Charlotte is the best wing woman one can have. As my biggest fan, she has no fear sauntering right up to the cutest boy at the bar to roll out my resume and all my dateable assets in a smooth, 30 second pitch. I stand behind her, acting embarrassed while the unsuspecting victim nice gentleman looks over my mom’s shoulder to check out the daughter in question.

It’s endearing. It’s unexpected. It works like a charm. 

One such encounter last May turned into the last 5 months of me navigating new relationship territory commonly known as friends with benefits (or, more accurately known as codependency).

Now, this is a land that I’m not familiar with. Nor did I start hanging out with L with the expectation that this road would have a dead end. Instead, I didn’t really think about it too much. He was available. I was vulnerable. And, my mom approved. 

So, we hung out. Like, a lot. And, we became friends. Like, for real. And then there were, you know, the benefits. 

But L took up a lot of space. He was disruptive. Together, we were fiery. And, what sparked my interest at first turned into constant heated debates that often left me utterly deflated. 

Soon, I found myself on an emotional roller coaster that I wasn’t sure was worth the ride.

So, when that all important 3-month mark came along, and I wasn’t feeling much push in a more long-term, romantic direction, it dawned on me. We cared for each other. We appreciated the convenience of each other. But, in the end, we were just friends. 

Not ready to give up the benefits just yet, I signed up for a few more months with L.

But as my feelings grew sensitive and my self-worth grew impatient, I realized that a friends with benefits set-up just wasn’t for me. 

Spoiler alert! I’ve never been the cool girl that can do the casual dating thing without getting her feelings hurt. And for my ladies who can? Congratulations! You’re robots.

For now, we can put that curiosity to bed. Alone. No friends or codependents allowed.   

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So, what has come from my curious contemplations? 

Well, understanding the power of being present. 

L was not destined to be the father of my children, but when I stopped thinking so much about our fate, I started understanding the meaning of his presence in my life. He taught me a lot. Mostly, about the critical need to protect my heart. And, to not sell myself short. 

This secluded PhD life ain’t easy for a socially needy extrovert. But, as I connect with my colleagues and banter with my professors, I’m learning to enjoy the everyday interactions that make this isolating experience tolerable.

Finally, my reservations about my Cuban affair with M were quickly replaced by his calm, shielding presence and my gratitude for the many moments that made my trip so memorable. 

So, yeah. Be present, connect with and learn from the people in front of you and read Mark Nepo…he will change your life.

Stay tuned for more curious contemplations…